Letting Go...

This has been an emotional week. Disappointment. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Letting go...

On Friday I received an email from my father stating that he was in town (something about last minute trip to use frequent flyer miles). We haven't had the closest relationship, but he is my father and it is nice to catch up when he is in town.

Through email (yes, so personal, I know...)we set plans for Saturday afternoon. He was going to call when he was on his way over. Well, we had a picture appointment at 10:00. Our appointment finished and I still hadn't heard from him. The kids and I headed to lunch. Still no call. At 1:30 we got home and Soph and I laid down for a rest. Still no phone call...

A little after 2:00 my phone rang. I didn't answer it because my daughter was asleep on my arm. The voicemail icon appeared and I listened to my message. It was my father. He wasn't going to be able to make it over - he had so much fun on Friday night that he was just getting up. And, since they had other dinner plans, we'd have to maybe get together on a different night. "Call me," he said.

I didn't call.

I was disappointed.

Disappointment quickly turned to anger.

"Seriously, he doesn't know how to set an alarm?" was my first thought. And then flashbacks of elementary and middle school where he'd say he'd be somewhere and then not show up. There was always a reason - traffic, working late, another commitment...By high school I stopped inviting him to school events. If he didn't know, then he wouldn't say he'd be there and get my hopes up, and ultimately I wouldn't get hurt because I knew he wasn't going to come.

Sad!

A few years ago something similar happened and he showed up hours late to our house because he was spending time with his wife's children. I laid my feelings out. I explained that grandparents are held in high regard in our house and that my children honestly only think that they have 4 (and he's not one that they count). He needed to step it up, or step out. My words were, "you aren't going to make them feel as unimportant as you make me feel."

He swore he never meant it. Then there were some excuses. But, ultimately he said he would work on it.

Nothing has changed since that conversation.

The kids refer to him as "uncle _______." I don't correct them. This weekend reminded me why.

So, back to my weekend. I tried get over my hurt feelings. To let it go because he's never going to have his family priorities the same as mine - he's never going to get how I feel...

Sunday I received another email. He mentioned that I hadn't called him to set up alternative plans. He even left his phone number...

So, I called.

I needed to have my peace.

Again, I explained that he was right. I didn't call him back the day before because I was mad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. There was no reason that I had to explain to Ty and Soph that he wasn't coming over (leaving out because he slept in....and could blow off our plans, but not any other plans that he made with friends). I reminded him that that 4 and 6 year old are the lights of my life, and he wasn't going to make them feel unimportant. I ended by stating that if he couldn't step up and be a grandparent and make them a priority that there was no need to return my call.

He hasn't called...

Although I feel relieved because I was honest with him, it still hurts. Even a message of "I'm sorry I blew you off", or "your wrong," or anything would have been better than nothing.

But, I guess that's my signal. Once again I am not a priority in my own father's life. So, I am letting go...

Letting go of the frustration.

Letting go of the hurt.

Letting go of my father.

And, hopefully one day letting go of the sadness and disappointment....