Fit and Validation

Yesterday I weighed myself. The scale read 170.4. But, as the day went on, I got nervous. Maybe I read it wrong. Maybe it said 174.0. By last night I had convinced myself that because I hadn't worked out in days and I was near or just over my calories all week, that I must have made a mistake.

Sometimes the mental part of this journey is the worst. It tries to get the best of me.

This morning I got on the scale again (I know...don't weigh yourself day, and usually I don't). I had to prove to myself that it wasn't 174. It read 168.6! A new set of tens!

With the confirmed number, I thought today would be a great day to try the smaller jeans (size 12) that I bought a couple weeks ago. They buttoned when I bought them, but they weren't comfortable because they were still tight around my middle.

When I put them on, they fit.

I am wearing them and honestly am still in a bit of disbelief. They aren't loose. They hug my body. I know that's how they should be. But, for some reason not having the mental comfort of loose fitting pants, my brain today is thinking that I am back to where I was 23 pounds ago (when 16s were fitting snuggly).

It's like when my pants were loose it was some kind of validation for my mind. A daily reminder that I had lost weight. Today with pants that fit, that validation is gone. It's a strange feeling. I honestly know I should be feeling proud of my accomplishments thus far, instead of doubting where I am. Oy!

Has anyone else experienced this feeling when you actually wear clothes that fit? How did you overcome it? Do share. Thanks, friends, for all of your help and support!

The Mile (and Other Random News)

Saturday I experienced something I have never experienced before. Ever.

I ran an entire mile.

Sure, I have completely plenty of miles, but all the previous ones included walking breaks (or even walking the whole thing).

In the morning I went to BodyStep class at the YMCA. I love being pushed (positively) by the instructors, and engaging all or my muscles, but after class I still had this nagging in my brain to try the treadmill.

So in a NSV, I actually got on a machine after my 60 minute class. That was another first - sad, but true.

Once on the treadmill I decided to see if I could run the first 5 minutes straight. I did. And then I tried to make minute six. I did. At that point I has almost to 1/2 a mile, so the mind game started. Could I really run the whole mile? The answer was YES!! It took me 13.28, but I did it. I ran for 13 minutes and completed a mile.

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In other news, or lack thereof, I haven't worked out since Saturday. It's on the agenda for tonight after the kiddos are in bed.

And, today was weigh-in Wednesday. Nothing really changed, and I am still at 170.

I need to find a new workout schedule that works for me and the family(now that swimming lessons and soccer practice have been changed or added to the mix). Hopefully I can tinker with it this week so that next week will be more consistant.

What are your current goals on this journey?

Just a Quick Note...

...to say I did it! I donated 6 stuffed, garbage sized bags, full of clothes.

Honestly, as my husband drove us to the donation site, my head was swirling inside. Second guessing myself about wanting to get rid of them - you know, instead of just putting them in the crawl space.

But, once they were out of the car it was almost freeing! I never have an excuse to wear any of those clothes again. I never have an excuse to be that big again. That's huge.

And, with no more excuses, I am continuing to move on with this journey!

Not an Ideal Situation

Being fat, losing weight, putting it back on, and then trying to lose it again is not an ideal situation.

I grew up fat. I was always one of the biggest girls in my class. My friends, for the most part, never made my weight a big deal. But I wasn't stupid. I couldn't shop where they did or wear what they wore.

I vividly remember when I joined my HS tennis team. We all go issued tennis skirts and their wasn't on in my size. I took the largest on they had (probably a size 12/14 - I was a size 18/20) and my Grandma graciously made a pattern and created an identical, but larger skirt for me. I paniced turning in shirt order forms because I didn't want people to know that I needed an XXL. Sometimes that size wasn't even offered.

Then senior year I took all my stress and anxiety about school and going to college and controlled the one thing that I could. My diet. I began exercising and eating right. I lost weight and loved the feeling of not being the fat girl. As the year progressed and college drew near I clung to weightloss. I exercised excessively. I restricted my food intake, and I popped diet pills like candy. I graduated wearing a size 10 and weighing around 145. I was skinny, but far from healthy!

So, when I met Jon (my darling husband) and began to regain real control of my life, I obviously put on some weight. The first few pounds I knew would happen. I was feeding my body again. Those were needed additions. Then a few more pounds stuck during our engagement. I wanted to lose a some weight before our wedding (I was around 165, size 14) but had already ordered my dress, and decided to lose it later that summer. That didn't happen.

In early 2004 I got pregnant. I ate healthy and put on the reccommended weight. Life was great. Two weeks after having Tyler I was around 180 (a size 16) and I couldn't lose anymore. I was working full time, going to school full time, and raising an infant son. Life was crazy. I gave myself a pass...but honestly, I didn't know where to begin. The only way I'd ever been successful with actually losing weight in the past was by extreme measures. I knew that I couldn't do that again. So, I did nothing but justify my size. I figured that a size 16 was better than the 20 I once was.

A couple years passed. We had a daughter, Sophie. I still only managed to get back to a size 16. And there I sat...for the past 3 1/2 years.

Now I am not a size 16. I am no longer stuck in the 180's.

I am working on truly being healthy. Balanced.

But, because of my past, I have had a hard time mentally with my recent progress. I am mindful that I need to keep moving forward. Challenging myself. I don't want to ever again think that something is okay, because atleast it's not as bad as it once was. If it's not fantastic, then fix it!

However, I don't know what to do with all the clothes - 7 years worth - that I removed from my closet. I don't want bins of clothing laying around. I don't want them filling up my closet. But, I don't know how to part with them. I keep thinking about what would happen if I put the weight back on. I have no intention of, but the thought of failure is still very real for me.

Being fat, losing weight, putting it back on, and then trying to lose it again is not an ideal situation but, that's the situation that I'm in. And, I'm learning how to work through it.

Purging

Who would've thought that something like cleaning out your closet could such a rollercoaster? Surely not me. It started a few weeks ago and I don't think that the ride is over yet.

I was elated when I was too small to fit into my pants. Good-bye 16s! I went and purchased some 14s and all seemed right again in the world (well, atleast my world).

Then, a couple of weeks ago at the PFG Coffee and Converstation event, Jen, said that should get a medium instead of a large t-shirt. I have always worn XL, so I thought I was doing great with the L, but I listened to her advice. She proceeded to remind me that clothes should be snug, not tight, to fit and flatter your body. I bought the M. For a few hours I hesitated to try it on, worried that it wouldn't fit. But when I finally gathered enough courage to put the shrit over my head, I couldn't have been more thrilled. It fit! I wore it for the remainder of the day and even slept in it that night. I still can't believe that the tag on something that fits me actually has an 'M' on it.

So, back to the purging. I took Jen's advice and started to pick through my closet. 7 years worth of pants, shrits, sweaters, shorts, and dresses...loose. Too loose.

At first it was fun to take the clothes out. First went all pants and shorts. That seemed easy. Something about getting rid of that number was cathardic.

Next up were the sweaters. My collection of sweaters was quickly reduced by more than half. I love sweaters. This is where I started to panic. My closet was becoming rather bare.

The it was dresses. 4 dresses gone. 3 remain, but they are ones that haven't fit since I've had children. This will be the year for those cute A-line summer beauties.

Finally came the shirts. Panic about my lack of clothing had set in by this time. I took out shirts that were way too big. Honestly, though, I kept quite a few just to have clothes in my closet and because that "just in case" bug hit. Not sure why...just in case I run out clothes, just in case I put weight back on....

Proud of the clothes that I purged, and I know that there is still work to be done. I have to deal with the "just in case" bug and realize that this is all part of the change.

On the brighter side, my husband suggested a stop at the outlet mall on our way back from Duluth. I was able to purchase 5 shirts, a pair of khakis for work, a dress, and a size 12 pair of jeans (those are a little tight, but they button, and will fit soon) for around $100.00. Not quite as much as I removed from the closet but it's definately a start~

Short

Sorry, I am having one of those weeks where I don't feel like I have much to say and life has gotten a wee-bit busy. I am short of words, so here is the short summary of the past seven days.

* My weight is the same as last week.
* I feel like I have no clothes that fit nicely (many are loose giving lack of shape).
* I had a NSV by working out at 10:30 on Tuesday.
* Bummed I haven't worked out since then (big things happening at work today and it's consumed my time).
* C25K is in my future - I am excited to get another workout in tonight.
* It's clear that I still need to work on balance. (more on that on a later post)

Happy Friday! Make it a great day!

Relationships

Recently Ann posted about her struggle to define relationships now that she is changing to a more healthy lifestyle. See was looking inward.

It got me thinking - looking inward at where I've been and where I'm going - and my relationship with others. I believe that I have three categories of people in my life. They each come with a positive, and like with anything, there are great times to use them, and other times when something else would be more handy.

All too often when we are making positive life changes, those around us don't comprehend what those changes entail - for us or for them. Some have never been in our shoes and can't relate to the struggles and successes that fill our lives. Others have been there and aren't quite ready to begin the process of change.

Those that haven't been in these shoes (who could eat what and when they wanted, who have never struggled to be active, and who could shop at any store they choose) can listen but not often relate to stories. In the past, as I have lamented to a friend about really wanted Sour Patch kids and having that consume my thoughts, these types of friends look with an unsure eye or simply say, "oh...ok..." They are great motivators, because geez, who wouldn't want to shop anywhere and be innately active, but aren't the best to find comfort in on rough days.

Those that are not yet ready to make changes often think that we are judging them. I believe, that for many on this journey, there is nothing farther from the truth. I know what it's like to feel unattractive, to struggle with guilt, and to push it off for another day. I don't want to judge you, I want to support you. If you aren't ready for change, that's fine. We all need to do things when we are ready...otherwise it just won't work. I am on this journey for me, now, because I am ready. I'll be there if and when you're ready too. These friends are great to chat with, especially about those struggles (but don't get caught up in a pity party), but I sometimes feel unable to share success because I don't want to upset them or feel braggy.

And, thankfully there are friends that have been there and done that. These are the most valuable connection. These gems can relate to the struggles and are in place where they can honestly help to celebrate others' successes. Just remember, you are on your own journey. Learn from them - don't try to be them!