Not an Ideal Situation

Being fat, losing weight, putting it back on, and then trying to lose it again is not an ideal situation.

I grew up fat. I was always one of the biggest girls in my class. My friends, for the most part, never made my weight a big deal. But I wasn't stupid. I couldn't shop where they did or wear what they wore.

I vividly remember when I joined my HS tennis team. We all go issued tennis skirts and their wasn't on in my size. I took the largest on they had (probably a size 12/14 - I was a size 18/20) and my Grandma graciously made a pattern and created an identical, but larger skirt for me. I paniced turning in shirt order forms because I didn't want people to know that I needed an XXL. Sometimes that size wasn't even offered.

Then senior year I took all my stress and anxiety about school and going to college and controlled the one thing that I could. My diet. I began exercising and eating right. I lost weight and loved the feeling of not being the fat girl. As the year progressed and college drew near I clung to weightloss. I exercised excessively. I restricted my food intake, and I popped diet pills like candy. I graduated wearing a size 10 and weighing around 145. I was skinny, but far from healthy!

So, when I met Jon (my darling husband) and began to regain real control of my life, I obviously put on some weight. The first few pounds I knew would happen. I was feeding my body again. Those were needed additions. Then a few more pounds stuck during our engagement. I wanted to lose a some weight before our wedding (I was around 165, size 14) but had already ordered my dress, and decided to lose it later that summer. That didn't happen.

In early 2004 I got pregnant. I ate healthy and put on the reccommended weight. Life was great. Two weeks after having Tyler I was around 180 (a size 16) and I couldn't lose anymore. I was working full time, going to school full time, and raising an infant son. Life was crazy. I gave myself a pass...but honestly, I didn't know where to begin. The only way I'd ever been successful with actually losing weight in the past was by extreme measures. I knew that I couldn't do that again. So, I did nothing but justify my size. I figured that a size 16 was better than the 20 I once was.

A couple years passed. We had a daughter, Sophie. I still only managed to get back to a size 16. And there I sat...for the past 3 1/2 years.

Now I am not a size 16. I am no longer stuck in the 180's.

I am working on truly being healthy. Balanced.

But, because of my past, I have had a hard time mentally with my recent progress. I am mindful that I need to keep moving forward. Challenging myself. I don't want to ever again think that something is okay, because atleast it's not as bad as it once was. If it's not fantastic, then fix it!

However, I don't know what to do with all the clothes - 7 years worth - that I removed from my closet. I don't want bins of clothing laying around. I don't want them filling up my closet. But, I don't know how to part with them. I keep thinking about what would happen if I put the weight back on. I have no intention of, but the thought of failure is still very real for me.

Being fat, losing weight, putting it back on, and then trying to lose it again is not an ideal situation but, that's the situation that I'm in. And, I'm learning how to work through it.